If I fall and break an arm, can I sue God for making my bones so fragile?

Ah the American dream. It doesn’t matter what it really is, we all have our own little version of it. Most of the time this dream has something to do with a big house, nice cars, a fat bank account, a healthy and happy family, etc. etc. As varied as our American dreams are so are the means by which we try to attain these dreams. Some of us work hard and make an honest living. Some have certain skills that make them big celebrities. Some steal and sell drugs to crackheads. Some even just get plain lucky and hit that magic lottery jackpot, only to go bankrupt a short time later, but that’s a whole other topic. There is one group in the U.S. however that stands out among the world’s nations. This group is more shameless than professional thieves, more cold blooded than the richest big business tycoons, more cunning than the best investment bankers…they are those who love to sue. Yes, we’ve all heard of those crazy stories where you hear of people suing companies, people, businesses, whoever, over the dumbest shit imaginable. I believe it all started with that stupid chick that burned herself on hot McDonalds coffee and sued McDonalds for it…AND WON!!!! That gave a glimmer of hope to all these lazy good for nothing mother fuckers who just wanted to get rich quick. They started to realize that they could sue anyone, over anything, and it would work! Why? Because some dumbass bloodsucking lawyer would take the case and some crooked ass judge would agree to all the bullshit. I applaud those few judges who not only not take these types of cases, but also berate the dumbasses trying to do the suing. Where has this sue craziness left us as a nation? Well, lets take a look shall we.

1. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, has to have a fucking warning label on it now. Oh you mean a cup of coffee is hot enough to burn me, I’m glad you warned me because I never expected coffee to be HOT! Oh, you mean I shouldn’t try to use a hair curler for anything other than its intended purpose. Oh, you mean I shouldn’t put someone into a clothes drier. The list goes on and on.

2. Everyone is afraid to do their job now because they are afraid they will get sued. Cops are afraid to take down bad guys, paramedics are afraid to perform CPR, firefighters are afraid to rescue people. WTF!?!?! Have we become so fucked up as a nation that we’ll sue even those who are trying to help us?

3. The law suits get crazier and crazier. The whole “burglar hurts himself during a robbery and sues the homeowner” one…yeah, that’s true. Check this one out too:

http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/dailyrft/2011/03/starbucks_sued_over_tip_jar.php

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!? Whatever happened to people just being decent to each other? I guess that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Nowadays it’s all about the dolla dolla bill, fuck everyone else; I’m going to get PAID!!! What is this world coming to? For all you fuckers that see a big red sue bulls eye on every single individual you see on a daily basis…say hi to Hitler for me when you see him in hell. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sue Santa Claus because I didn’t get that ’69 Dodge Charger I asked him for last Christmas.

I wish I drove a tank

I hate rude people. You know who I’m talking about, people who just don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything else and are just rude pathetic assholes. Yup, I hate them. But even the most rude person can be jarred awake by a nice, firm, “FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!” when they do something stupid like slam a door in your face or cut in front of you in line or whatever else. But when these same, somewhat unprotected rude dickwads get behind the wheel of a car, a transformation happens. They are suddenly protected in a magical safety bubble of steel and glass and become kings and queens of the universe and own every inch of road around them. How dare anyone drive in front of them and not get out of their way when they get up in that bumper like a crackhead on chocolate? Are we, the rest of the civilized population, too dumb to understand that an asshole driving inches from our bumpers apparently means that we should move and let them pass??? FUCK THAT!!! If there is anything I hate more than rude people is rude drivers. Actually hate is not a strong enough word…I loathe them! Anytime some jerkface cuts me off, rides my bumper, or just generally drives like an asshole I go into uncontrollable fits of rage and wish for nothing more than a built in rocket launcher on my truck. I want to pull these people out of their little car cocoons of safety and beat their face in, just for being fucking dicks. What gives anyone the right to use a 2 to 3 ton machine as a means of intimidation against everyone else on the road? You have no right buddy! Everyone shares the road; it does not only belong to Mr. and Mrs. Jerkfaceassholedriver. Now, in order to not sound like a hypocrite, yes, I am guilty of asshole driving myself. But this was when I was much younger. I’ve become more considerate in my old age. I will actually stop and let pedestrians cross the road without playing the points game. I’ll back off if someone in front of me is driving slowly and patiently wait for an opening to pass…so on and so forth. Driving like an ass is part of being a teenager and growing up I guess. But more and more I realize that some of the biggest asshole drivers out there are adults, like you and me. And there is no stereotyping when it comes to rude drivers because they come in every age and color of the rainbow. Everyone from the rich spoiled whitey driving a Lexus, to the soccer mom who is in too much of a hurry to pay attention to anyone else, to the wankster blasting Lil’ John and dancing in his car like it’s a fucking club. They are so numerous that we all know at least one, probably more than one. And guess what, if you are sitting there and saying that you don’t know any asshole drivers, then it’s YOU!!! Jerk! I implore all of you reading this; let’s take a stand against these imbeciles with driver’s licenses. If you see one riding your ass on the road, stay right where you are, slow down even, and do not move out of the way. Since this is one of the main asshole moves out there lets shove it back in their privileged little faces, it’s a good place to start. For everything else there really isn’t much else you can do except take several deep breaths, count to ten, and hope their fucking car blows up. Be safe everyone and drive friendly! :D

Reality TV…the downfall of humanity

You know, reality TV is really not a new concept, it’s been around since the days of COPs which premiered in 1989 or even MTV’s The Real World in 1992. Some of you may remember The Real World and the crazy idiots that it was so well known for. For some reason though, reality TV didn’t really take off until the first Survivor hit the airwaves. I guess it wasn’t till then that some producer saw the ratings and thought “hey, people really like watching other people make complete fools of themselves!” Well he obviously shared this information with his producer goons in their secret producer lair and next thing you know, BANG!!! 500+ of the most horrible TV shows began popping up like crazy groundhogs on crack. That’s right, a huge pile of crap shows such as The Surreal Life, The Real Wives of wherever, Queer Eye, Project Runway, The Apprentice, The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, Bridezillas, and so many more I can’t even name 1/10^th of them. And they just keep coming! They’ll give shows to anyone and make shows about anything now, no limit except for whatever next dumb thing these producers can come up with. Like My Big Redneck Wedding for example…Oh my God!!! Really? Come on!!! Or You're Cut Off…I literally want to beat everyone of those chicks with a bat. I mean, who really cares about Jessica Simpson’s marital woes, or Paris Hylton’s stupid shenanigans, or who Kim Kardashian is berating on national TV? Well, apparently lots of people do because over the past ten years or so these idiotic shows have become more and more the hot topic of conversation around the water cooler at work. “Hey Tif did you see what Snookie was wearing on the show last night? O.M.G. she looked like such a skank! Giggle Giggle!!!” Everytime I hear any type of conversation like that I get angry enough to punch a baby in the face. I know, horrible right? How could anyone be so insensitive as to make me want to punch babies!? Here are my thoughts on reality TV programming…yes I said thoughts, as in more than one, bare with me here.

1. Why are the people that appear on these shows so willing to make complete fools of themselves in front of the entire world? Sure some of them are in it for sweet cash money prizes or for a more noble cause like not being big huge fatties anymore. But what about the rest? Do they need attention so badly that they’ll do just about anything for their 15 seconds of fame? Like American Idol for example, yes some of those suckers can sing pretty good, I’ll give them that. But then you have the loonies who wouldn’t be able to carry a tune if their entire families life’s depended on it, yet, they believe that they can sing!!! WTF!?!? What happened to these people as kids? I say they were all dropped on their heads at some point while they were babies and it shook some psycho part loose. And that tends to be the case for 95% of these shows…people, quit dropping your kids on their heads!!!

2.  Some of these shows are descent, a very small percentage. Shows like The Deadliest Catch, The Biggest Loser, The Amazing Race, and of course COPs is still a classic, to name a few. But even when a descent enough show does pop up they somehow manage to add the crazy into the equation. You get the occasional moron that turns the whole thing into a freaking train wreck. I know these producers are behind this. “Bob I love the idea of this show, it has danger, suspense, intrigue, educational and moral value and I think will attract intelligent people. It’s just missing one little thing…I know, lets add a cracked out freakshow to turn the whole thing upside down and inside out!!! Perfect!!!”

3.  Time to get a serious for a minute…Here is why I think these shows are terrible for the human race. Remember back in the day, about 2000 years ago, a little known empire called Rome? Yeah I figured you’d heard of it. Well, back then when Rome first started it was a pretty descent society taking all the good things from the nations it conquered. It became a center of philosophy, culture, education, technology and so on and so forth. But then something new popped up sometime along Rome’s history, the gladiatorial games. These made the mobs of Rome crazier and crazier as the years passed, spreading horrible influences to most who watched. Yes I said most, not all…I’ll get back to that. Well, these games were in fact the mother of reality entertainment. How much more real can you get than watching dudes rip each others guts out or lions feed on helpless victims right in front of your face? Now I know you are thinking “Alex you’re crazy, it’s not the same, they killed people back then, the shows today don’t do that, they are just innocent fun!” Well, yes and no. The similarity between then and now is that both (Roman Games/Reality TV) turn the basic human brain to mush. They both show a reality that is not really real, a reality that is created for entertainment purposes but that the idiots who watch it start believing and talking about like it IS reality! The mobs, then and now, become numb to it, start thinking about nothing more than it, start imitating it even. This is where I go back to my “most” comment. Not all people who watch this crap fall pray to its psychological grasp. A lot of us can watch it for the entertainment value of watching idiots making complete fools of themselves, laugh, and go on about our lives. But there are so many people out there who become so infatuated with these fucking shows and start living in their own little crazy world where the morons on these shows actually become role models to them. All they want is to dress like them, act like them and have their 15 seconds of fame like them! And no, it’s not just kids or teenagers, plenty of adults fall pray to the idiotic world of reality TV. Where did the games leave Rome? A once great empire shattered and broken because most of their citizens became brain dead zombies who could no longer function in a civilized society…America, hate to say it, but we are well on our way to having our own infestation of brain dead idiots walking around craving nothing but more Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

To close this very long winded rant, yes, even I am guilty of watching some of these things, what can I say, I love watching people make complete fools of themselves. It makes me feel good about myself that I’m not so stupid. And then when I’m done watching I get up, turn the TV off and go about my life, my REAL life. I don’t live in a sick little fantasy world where I’m going to go out of my way to eat, breath and talk about nothing more than these shows, try to become like the people in them or do anything to get on one of them. So wake up people and live your lives, watch if you must, but don’t let your brain become mush and turn into a reality TV brain dead zombie. Why? Because when the time comes and the brain dead idiots start to take over the world, it’s going to be me or one of the other few smart survivors who puts a high powered round through your skull. 

Like a virgin...blogging for the very first time...

I've been told by many people that i'm funny. By many people I mean mainly a few friends and most of my family. Ok like half my family. And by funny I mean more like slightly amusing. But that's neither here nor there, I think I'm funny and that's all that matters to start a blog really. See, I didn't decide to start a blog to entertain the masses, i'm sure very few people will follow this blog but whatevs. In reality I decided to start a blog because I love to go on crazy rants about everything that I think is fucked up in this world and boy is that a long list. I can't sit here and yell at people when I get angry, unfortunately. That and I get tired of yelling at the TV, computer, newspaper or any other media that is delivering news to me about how this planet is going to hell in a handbasket. So, instead of yelling at inanimate objects or having people think i'm crazy because i'm yelling at them, i'll write on my blog and maybe, just maybe reduce my stress level by a few notches. And hey, if I make at least one person giggle just a little bit, then that's cool too. So friend, welcome inside my head, please make yourself at home, and thread with caution.

Disclaimer: A rant is simply someone's opinion that if executed correctly can be somewhat humorous. That's all i'm trying to accomplish here people, to have word diarrhea and to try to do that with a little bit of humor. So if at any point you don't like what i'm saying or you are "offended" by anything I write then see that little red X at the top right of the page, click on it and go be a cry baby somewhere else. Or, even better, leave a comment with your own opinion, I love a good discussion.